Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
