I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
