I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
