And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
