he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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