remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
