please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
