Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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