i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I need to sanitize my soul.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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