i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
