I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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