I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
