see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
