can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize