For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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