Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The Olympian is in my bed
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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