I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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