my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
