I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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