dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
