obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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