Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
