dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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