Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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