How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
