you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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