Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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