a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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