he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
