I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
