Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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