I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
