What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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