i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
