big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
this hospital has no fireball
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
