You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
