so that wasnt chicken after all
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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