I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
