a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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