why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
