so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
