oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
