Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
