Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
