Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
