how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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