I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize