All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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