wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you didnt know i had herpes?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
