just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
