i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
