I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
